A Family Vacation - Day One

Time for a family vacation. We're headed to the pearl of the Redneck Riviera, Fort Walton Beach, Florida. I've been to a number of beaches in the continental U.S., and the beaches of the Florida panhandle are some of the most beautiful. Walking along the beach with my wife, playing in the surf with my kids, lounging on the white sand beaches while soaking in the view of the azure blue waters. Sounds great, doesn't it?

On this vacation, Sue has invited her brothers, sisters and one of her cousins to join us, along with their kids. The invitations resulted in two sisters and a female cousin along with all their kids, for a sum total of me, four women, and seven boys between the ages of 6 and 16.

So as a preview we began our trip with a drive from home to a layover with the grandparents in Baton Rouge. For the first two hours, my lovely bride tried to coordinate a flight for her drifter of a brother to meet us at the condo. There was a lot of talking to airline reservation agents, sisters, cousins and mothers. About two hours into that effort, she gave up. We stopped for lunch, gas, and biological reasons a few minutes later.

Back in the car, Sue talked to me about how we need to prepare ourselves to move into a new house, about how we can't possibly have more children, about how she hoped the dogs were okay and on and on and on...

Oh, and we took a picture.



Another bio break two hours later.

Back in the car, the conversations shifted to her mother. About how her mother had started giving all of Grandma's jewelry away, how some of the jewelry was ugly and how when we have a little extra money we should reset the stone in one of the rings, about doing yoga on the beach. There was a blessed interruption of a phone call from one of her sisters to coordinate meeting up tomorrow for the final leg of the journey to the beach. After the coordination was complete, going to sister-in-laws, we spoke about the lunacy of her father and, did I mention, we're going to her dad's house to visit my brand new sister-in-law. That's right my children have a new aunt.

About fifteen minutes left to go in our trip to Baton Rouge, I heard the most magical, wonderful words I never thought I would ever hear from my wife: "My throat hurts. Maybe I should stop talking.

The silence lasted about thirty seconds. It was the most wonderful thirty seconds I have ever experienced.

Ever.

Then the talking began again.

I can't wait for day two.

The Ant Wars - Woe to the Weak Willed

From Lincoln, Nebraska a news story was published today that provides some advice for homeowners struggling with ant infestations. The reporter and the "expert" she consulted are clearly people without the vision and tenacity to actually win this war.

At the conclusion of Barb the ant expert's recommendations, her (not-so) encouraging advice is, "good luck." The tenor of the article is clearly not the supportive and encouraging "good luck," but the you-don't-have-a-snowball's-chance-in-hell kind of "good luck."

To these nay-sayers I reply, "Man up!" As I have clearly demonstrated in my battles with the ants, it is possible to win this war or at least reach a sort of rapprochement. There will be days when the cause seems hopeless. You may feel there is no chance at victory. But consistent, concerted, multi-dimensional attack plan will result in victory.
For all those struggling in their war with the ants, have faith, be strong, and you will be victorious.

Not like those defeatist Cornhuskers. It's no wonder their football team sucks.

The Ant Wars: An Act of God

Oncor blames fire ants for power surge in Carrollton homes News for Dallas, Texas Dallas Morning News Latest News

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For those of you in the unenlightened corners of the world that have yet to discover electricity deregulation, Oncor is the regulated portion of our deregulated electricity delivery system in Texas.

Oncor has the nerve to call an ant infestation in a tranformer an "Act of God."

For those of you who have been following my tales of The Ant Wars, you will have to come to the conclusion that ant infestations cannot be an "act of God," but can only be an "Act of Satan."

Ants are evil little creatures that are constantly on the march of death and destruction against any one or thing they encounter.

Oncor clearly does not understand the destructive intention that ants have, and they are clearly unwilling to admit that the sentient intentions of ants cannot possibly be at the behest of the creator of time and space.

If you know the people affected by this electrical disaster, please refer them to my stories, so that they may have solace in their time of need.

The Ant Wars - Know Thy Enemy

There is a maxim of war that every great general must understand to be successful. Never underestimate your enemy! We must be constantly vigilant in our need to learn about our enemy, know its ways, discover its strenghts and its weaknesses through observation and through trial and error.

As with any war we must study. And it is in my studies that I have learned about The Smithsonian National Museum's exhibit that just started and will run through October 10, 2009. Perhaps we can take a late summer vacation up to D.C. to view the new exhibit, "Farmers, Warriors, Builders: The Hidden Life of Ants."

Perhaps the most daunting challenge we face is mechanical destruction of the mound. The Smithsonian has published a graphic of a cast of an ant colony's mound. It is deep, it is detailed and it is virtually impenetrable to its deepest chambers. In short it is frightening. You can see it by selecting the following link: http://www.mnh.si.edu/ants/photogallery/antsNest.htm

The Ant Wars - Mutiny?

The vast ant armies launched their version of the Tet Offensive. For about a week we were overrun, fighting back the invading armies with the best weapons in our arsenal. Orange oil mixture as a front line weapon, boric acid and D.E. to create an impenetrable barrier, Spinosad bait to take them out from within, and my thumb as a last resort.

Ants were everywhere, in the kitchen, in the sun room, in the boys' bedrooms, and in the master bathroom. The only defenses that proved worthy was the the defenses established at the very beginning of our war, the dining room.

Ants had gotten into our home to such an extent, we had to put cereal in the fridge, all dry goods went in zipper bags, and the dogs had twenty minutes to eat, then the food was picked up.

But one day last week, the offensive stopped. Oh sure, I'll see a lone ant scout every now and again, but for the most part, the ants are not entering the house.

I don't know why the ants aren't coming in anymore, but I have two theories:

1. The Spinosad baits and the boric acid applications are working. The colonies are sick, and the queen is dying.
2. I've noticed a couple of fire ant mounds in the yard. I noticed them at about the same time the little sugar ants stopped coming into the house. Is it possible that the more aggressive fire ants are attacking the sugar ant colonies and providing a mutinous distraction for the Ant Armies leadership?

If the latter is true, I may need to adjust my strategy to encourage an extended battle between the two ant clans. Is it so unthinkable in my effort to eliminate the sugar ants, that for now I actually encourage and support them so that their civil war becomes more protracted?
For now I'll wait and watch. I'll strengthen the defensive perimeter, I will attack my enemy's enemy, and I will table the tactic of sickening the queen with bait. This is a gamble, to be certain. But all too often it is in misplaced pride that the consequences end in disaster.

The Ant Wars: New Weapon Development

Could salvation from ants be just around the corner?

Our crack researchers have identified a potential new weapon against the most dangerous of the ant warriors, the fire ant. Through funding provided in part from our own resources, researchers at Texas A&M have identified a natural predator of the fire ant. There is a tiny phorid fly that lays eggs on the fire ants, and the eggs hatch into maggots inside the ant and eat away their brains.

Here is the story from the Houston Chronicle: http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/headline/metro/6420449.html

This new weapon, once fully operational, could provide the tipping point we've been waiting for to control the invading armies.

8,000 Pounds: Reallocation of Resources

In recognition of the upcoming summer heat, the Supreme Household Commander issued an edict. Resources currently being employed in our battle with the ants were to be redirected to the Backyard Reclamation Project (BRP). As I posted a few weeks ago, we have an Ugly Garden.

The irrational exuberance of Bermuda grass easily overpowered our weeding prowess primarily consisting of visualization exercises. (We were using our imaginations to see the patio garden without the Bermuda grass encroachment, but reality overcame our fantasy on this issue in the past few months.)

So the stage of the BRP described in the Ugly Garden post was the finishing touches on the demolition part of the project. The next stage was bed preparation.

Bed Preparation.

With the help of a significant downpour, the leveling of the bed became incredibly easy, as the supersaturated mud turned to soup, leveling became very easy. We also took this opportunity to dig a french drain.

We admired the future patio and decided we could accomplish the project for about $500.

Once the bed was leveled, I worked my way to the local dirt store and purchased a truckload of sand. The whole family got involved in spreading the sand (About 1,200 pounds). Sand was everywhere. The dogs were rolling around in it, the kids were playing in it, Sue and I were trying to level it. I had sand in places I shouldn't mention. Three days later and I am still finding sand in the bottom of the shower.

Once the sand was spread, I built a retaining wall around an area that included a shrub that did not get removed during demolition with about 30 large bricks made of natural stone. Voila, a flower bed! (Another 600 pounds)

That was Friday.

That evening I dreamt of patio design.

Before the sun rose, I did. I had an idea. In my mind the patio was to be framed by two additional flower beds. A small one to the right and a larger one at the edge of the patio in the center. So at 6:45 am I was off to Walmart to buy some more retaining wall stones. 60 more stone bricks and 1,200 pounds later, I had two more beds completed.

Next, I was off to get the flagstone for the patio. These stones were quite large. I bought 1,000 pounds of them. The boys carried them to me one by one as I laid them in place. The stones were natural and came in a variety of shapes and sizes, so I had to piece them together to fit in the space I had. This is what I came up with:

As I inspected my work, an awful realization came over me: the patio stones were too low. I needed 2 more inches of sand! The sand store was closed by now, so I quit for the day and went and played paintball with the boys.

That was Saturday.

Again, I was up with the sun.

Starting my morning by carefully removing the stones I had so carefully laid the day before, and placing them on the existing patio in approximately the same position I had laid them in the sand (1,000 more pounds of lifting). The sand store openned at 7:30 am, and I was there when they openned the gate. Another truckload of sand (1,200 pounds) to spread in the patio bed. Once the sand was spread again, I placed the flagstone...again! (1,000 pounds). With just enough time to get to the sand store again before they closed, I bought 1,200 pounds of decomposed granite to fill the cracks.

Maybe I overbought, since I still have about 800 pounds remaining. But I figure we can extend the patio out with the excess if needed.

Total expenditure: $575.

So here is what the finished product looks like:

I am estimating I'll need another 1.5 yards of soil for the raised beds (another 3,800 pounds and $100), and I'm told plastic surgery will help with the garden nymph ($5,000 to $7,000). So I guess this home improvement project will experience some cost overruns, too.