Fun with the Census

Has anybody else noticed that the U.S. government has asked us to respond to their Census form on April 1st, April Fool's Day?
In the spirit of April Fool's Day, here are some ways to really mess with the Census Bureau?

1. Take the family to a hotel and spend two nights, March 31st and April 1st. Then answer zero to Question 1. For the outdoorsy types, I suggest a backyard camping trip.
2. For Question 2, host a wake and count the dead as "staying" in your home.
3. If you play by the rules and live in a state where you pay property tax, then you simultaneously can check the first option about having a mortgage OR the second option about owning your home free and clear AND that it is rented. Because if you don't pay "rent" in the form of property tax to the state, they will evict you.
4. I have my phone numbers registered with the federal "Do Not Call" list, so I will redact this information like they do on Confidential government documents since I don't want anyone calling anyway.
5. Question 5 does not ask for your legal name or your common name or even the name you are known by, it just asks for a name. My advice - make up a name. I'll ponder what I would have wanted my name to be had I had the naming rights and update this post when I determine what that is.
6. Question 6: What is Person 1's sex? What's a hermaphrodite to do? Check both boxes of course.
7. Question 7 is about your age. It asks for your age and your birth date. I wonder how they'll deal with Jews or the Chinese? I could say I'm 40 but put my birth year in the Hebrew or Chinese calendar year. My Jewish year of birth is 5728.
   
8. Question 8 is about your Hispanic origin. Well, if you believe in the common ancestry of mankind from either the Biblical or evolutionary perspective, then your origins are decidedly not Spanish, Hispanic or Latino. Your origins are either Semitic or African.
9. Question 9 is about race. I think I'll check "Other" and put "Human." Alternatively, I could put Other Asian and write Semitic (since I believe in the Bible version of human origins)
   
10. Question 10 asks if you occasionally live somewhere else.  If you have ever spent the night away from home then the answer has to be "Yes."

These are just some suggestions. Have fun with the form, it is asking about the way things are on April Fool's Day, so I'm sure the government will have a sense of humor about your responses.

24 Hours of Good Fortune

A few weeks ago as I was sitting in the bleachers watching my oldest son's basketball game, the Director of Development for the school joined the rest of the crowd and sat directly in front of me.  He had a stack of raffle tickets in his hand for an Apple iPod touch. I asked him how much ($3 each or 4 for $10); I bought $10 worth. To be very specific, I bought the first ten tickets. I don't know how it happened, but I told him, if I won, I'd give him the prize.

On Friday night, I received a phone call. The call came in kind of late, so it surprised me a bit. The voice on the other end of the phone informed me that I was the winner of a raffle for an . It was late, I was tired, but I thought to myself, and maybe even out loud, "That's cool!" The next morning I recalled my promise. I sure hope he refuses my gift.

On Saturday afternoon, after many weeks of delay and procrastination, I took the boys down to the box office at the American Airlines Center to redeem a voucher for 2 upper level tickets to a Dallas Mavericks game. We arrive at the box office to discover that there are no more tickets available through the voucher, but the ticket agent says to me, "Hold on.  Let me check on something."  She types on her computer for a few minutes. She waits. She types some more. She waits.

Then she turns to me, "We're completely out of the upper deck tickets for this voucher, but they are allowing me to substitute some lower level tickets. Would that be okay with you?"

Like a deer in the headlights I reply, "Excuse me? Would you say that again?"

Repeating herself, "We're completely out of the upper deck tickets for this voucher, but they are allowing me to substitute some lower level tickets. They're $79 seats. Would that be okay with you?"

"Uh. Yes?"

I told my son as we walked away from the box office window, "Sometimes it does pay to procrastinate." And after a long pause, "But you still have to do your homework when we get home."